Needless Secrets
by cultnirvana
Summary: Kana me always believed that if they became a couple, things would be perfect. -/- This site has incorrectly reformatted this story, removing punctuation and even some words, and I haven't had the chance to fix up the errors yet. Sorry!
1. Chapter One

_So, Ive finally taken the plunge and started writing Full Metal Panic! fanfiction. I truly must be mad. But ever since I first watched FMP? Fumoffu! last October, Ive been insanely in love with the series, and especially with the relationship between Kaname and Sousuke. I've just about watched every episode of both animes five times, have read each of the first five mangas twice and read a few of the novels. It really has become an obsession._

_This fic take place around June/July, just a few months after Kaname and Sousuke have started their final year at Jindai. There are also a few little mentions of events that occur in the End of Day by Day novels (thanks to the good folks over at boku-tachi .net for the translations), which takes place after both seasons of the anime. But there is no knowledge from them required to understand this fic and nothing that will spoil the novels (they are very, very small hints). The story is told mainly from Kanames perspective (though its not a first-person fic), which is something very knew for me; I normally balance the characters perspectives._

_Id like to thank Anysia for helping me get my backside in gear to write this, for beta-reading it, and for everything else as well huggles_

_As Ive never written anything for this fandom before, Id love to know how Im doing and if the characters and events are believable. Its taken me so much courage to sit down and write this thing and Id love to know if you guys think its been worth your and my time. Gets into begging mode So, please R&R._

_Okay, on with the show._

* * *

Kaname slowly opened her weary eyes, blinking instantly as the summer sun assaulted her pupils. It couldnt be morning already. It felt like mere moments since she had lazily pulled her bed sheets over her. 

The alarm hadnt gone off just yet. With the sun so high in the sky it was doubtful, but perhaps there were still a few more hours before she had to get ready for school. Turning slightly, attempting not to provoke the form next to her, she took in the hands of the clock and groaned. She only had twenty minutes before it would disturb her. There was no way she could get back to sleep now for such a short duration of time.

Feeling the arms clamped around her waist pull at her gently, she moved a little closer to the middle of her bed. He unconsciously held her tighter, placing his chin against the top of her head as she nuzzled up to his bare chest. Twenty minutes of lying like this wouldnt be all bad.

She guessed this was all just part of his overwhelming need to protect her. Even though his mission was now voluntary, old habits seemed to die hard. If she moved even a few inches away from his side at night, he would unconsciously pull her back in. That time she had actually managed to break away from his grip to go to the bathroom She was going to have to have a little talk to him about the gun he always kept under HER pillow. She didnt like the thought of having a pistol aimed at her forehead in the early hours of the morning.

But then if that kind of security made him comfortable

There she went again. Merely three months ago she would have been all in his face if he had EVEN thought about something like that. But now He was making her a soft touch.

Sousuke, she happily sighed. She hated to admit it ­ before she would have despised another girl for saying the same about a guy ­ but she felt her heart race when he did anything to protect her.

Things had all happened so quickly. After they had returned from Hong Kong, they had gradually become closer. Now that Sousuke was more sure of himself and nearer to figuring out what he wished for in life, his emotions became less unreadable. Of course, most of their classmates had neglected the change. But she and many of his colleagues from the Tuatha de Danaan had come to appreciate his evolving spirit. Scratch that; she doubted Mardukas cared all that much.

Where the alterations in his personality were unnoticeable to those who did not know him well, they were glaringly obvious to her. He still caused problems at school, but the time between events had widened; he was only being called to the principals office once, perhaps twice, a week now. His grades had improved; even his World History and kanji grades were of an acceptable standard. Hed even done well in the university entrance exams hed taken, though he was still unsure about taking up any of the offers. Over the last half a year, hed even begun to use her given name more regularly.

The last few months of second year had almost become peacefulat least more peaceful than they had once been.

But things had really begun to change once April came around. Maybe it had been the spring air, the arrival of the cherry blossoms, or perhaps just that now they were more mature, but things had started happening without either of them really instigating it.

Theyd been spending more time with one another than ever before. Whether it had been playing video games at the arcade, doing a little fishing near the bay or studying, it seemed like they were always together. Shed even started to enjoy watching his favourite old war movies with him. Of course he didnt exactly have many favourites; unless they were exact in every detail of military jargon, he wouldnt waste his time.

It had first happened on such a night. This time she had taken the opportunity to rent a movie she thought hed really enjoy. Sadly, it had been a poor choice; Sousuke spent most of the time complaining about its prevailing inaccuracies. Rather than become aggravated by his actions, she was in fact rather entertained by his passion. She could remember leaning slightly closer to him upon the sofa, placing her head upon his shoulder, and gazing up at his handsome face as he ranted. Of course, he didnt even take any notice of her proximity.

I mean, the whole premise of the movie is inaccurate. At the time of the operation, the United States had not yet entered the conflict. In fact, it was the British S.A.S. who secured the submarine.

She couldnt help laughing. This was the young man to whom most people he encountered thought was cold and over-disciplined. And yet again, he was becoming aggressive over a dumb war movie.

She hadnt meant to say it. It had just slipped out. In the midst of her mirth, she spoke the words, God, I love you so much, Sousuke.

Her laughter stopped right after she had uttered the last syllable. The look in his eyes was unmistakable. He had ripped his vision from the television, and stared down at her with an expression of complete shock and confusion. She turned away from him, pushed herself up from her restful position and sat as far as she could from him upon the sofa. In a moment of stupidity she had just blurted out what shed tried to say back in October to no avail. _Stupid head. Moron!_ she screamed inwardly. Shed used the same words for him so often. Now who was the more idiotic one?

She took a deep breath. She could get out of this. She could convince him that she hadnt meant anything by it. This was Sousuke, after all. He believed everything she said. ErI have no idea why I just said that. She forced a cheerful tone into her voice, and smiled to enhance the effect. I meanyou know You can be so funny sometimes and I really like that about youas a friend, of course. Just as a friend.

She felt all trace of self-confidence drain from her body. She was Kaname Chidori, representative of Class 3-4 and President of the Student Council. She had gotten past the death of her mother; had survived middle school and that brush with the law; lived on her own since she entered high school; helped save a top-secret submarine; escaped an assassination attempt single-handedly. And she wasnt even eighteen yet! And now, after finally placing herself in a position where she could admit her true feelings for her closest friend, she had immediately taken a step backwards, covering for her slip. She hated herself for it! Why was she being so damn weak!

Despite her internal conflict, she maintained her outer façade of joviality. She stood from her seat and made a move for the kitchen area. Do you want me to make some more pop-

She jumped when he grabbed her arm.

Part of his confusion had been replaced by a frantic intensity. Did you mean what you said?

She shook her head. His grip upon her wrist was becoming painful. N-no. I just meant that Ilove you as a friend.

Sadness filtered into his features. Why was he so upset by her retraction? His focus dropped to the floor, but he still held her firm. Did you mean what you said? He sounded desperate now, as if he would crumble if she told him once more that her words had meant nothing. Why was he acting this way? Why was he being so forceful? Was he begging her to admit that it had been the truth?

She couldnt take it. She couldnt take the pressure, or the despair in his pleas. She was the one to crumble. Y-yes. She couldnt understand her feelings as she breathed the word. Was this a liberation, or would this destroy the strange sense of closeness they had built up over the last year?

He looked into her face once again. There was a grin pulling at his lips, but he still seemed torn. He couldnt even understand his own feelings, nor his extreme actions. Kaname, he softly whispered.

For endless moments, they could do nothing but look at one another, each unsure as to what the revelation meant. He was the first one to make a move. Releasing her wrist, he trailed his fingers upwards over her bare arm until his hand was able to cup her jaw. She felt herself automatically relax into his caress despite her worry. He could be so gentle at times. She literally felt herself melting.

This cessation couldnt go on much longer. Her patience was wearing thin. She needed to know the truth, why he was doing this. Without consciously making a decision, she pushed herself forward, throwing her arms around his neck, and kissed him. His lips were so soft and warm, nothing like she had expected. She felt her hands play with the ends of his thick hair. At first, she was the only one to apply any pressure, but after a moment he finally responded, closing his eyes and mimicking as best he could the small motions she was applying with her lips.

* * *

The rest of the night had been as close to perfect as she could have hoped. No, he hadnt given her an admission of his own love, and things hadnt progressed beyond a few more kisses and holding each other. She had been in a daze for the rest of the week at school, and hadnt even cared when hed blown out a number of windows in the canteen with a grenade. 

But on that night they had made an agreement; until they both understood what was truly happening between them and were confident their prospective relationship would work, theyd keep everything as a secret. Kaname hadnt even told Kyouko the truth.

For the first few weeks, everything continued in the same manner. He still found it difficult to speak about how he felt ­ hell, she wasnt a whole lot better ­ but from his actions, they way he treated her, the way he responded to kisses, she knew he loved her. He maybe hadnt realised the fact himself yet, but she was certain. She didnt need a confession anyway. She was happy with things the way they were.

Three weeks into their blossoming relationship, he had nervously asked her back to the safe house so that he could treat her by making dinner. His invitation had shocked her to say the least. Sousuke didnt exactly understand the concept of romance. She had always cooked him dinner and had never heard of him ever attempting to cook. She should have expected it; he ended up burning everything.

Hed looked so disappointed. He had really wanted to do something nice for her and he had failed. As he prepared himself for her wrath, whether it be physical or verbal, she simply pulled him into a hug and offered to order some Chinese food. She didnt understand why, but the rest of the night they had felt more connected than ever before, more comfortable in one anothers presence. It had all started innocently enough, but in a short time soft kisses turned into something else. It seemed like one second they were cuddled up in his living room, the next lying upon his bed, their heavy breathing permeating the scene.

The next morning she awoke with a terrible sense of guilt. Shed been the one to instigate the situation. She should have stopped what was happening. Sousuke was barely comfortable with his emotions, never mind having to deal with the additional worry of a sexual relationship. Shed never realised hed been so naïve about making love. She should have put an end to it when she saw the first signs of his hesitation. She felt awful for taking advantage of his innocence for her own pleasure.

He once again shocked her, however, and disrupted all thought of betrayal when, as soon as he opened his eyes, he gave her a searing kiss before lowering his lips to her neck.

That was all either of them needed to know that this relationship wasnt going to end. Only death would be able to pull them apart now. She thought that fact would set everything right, but

A month later, they still hadnt told anyone about their relationship.

It certainly wasnt Sousukes fault. Every week hed ask her why they couldnt break the secrecy now that things were concrete between them. Each time shed held him off by saying that they would very soon, but first they should focus upon the exams to come just before school broke up for the summer. He seemed settled with her reasoning, but occasionally she believed he resented her for stalling. Their relationship had been a giant step in her life, but for someone with Sousukes history, it was even more momentous. Whenever he would speak to Kurz or Melissa, she could see the wish he had to share the news with his friends. She was doing such a horrible thing to him, and she herself couldnt see any reasoning behind it.

Why was she holding back? Shed given herself fully to him. So why couldnt she spread the happy news?

She sighed. She wasnt in the mood for such questions this earlier in the morning. Her talking alarm seemed to agree with her.

Get up, Kaname. Time for school.

Sousuke sat bolt up at the call. Kaname, however, just pulled the sheets up around her a little more. Even after being awake for so long, she lacked the motivation to rise from her bed.

Kaname, are you awake?

Just give me five more minutes, she grumbled.

You must get up now or we will be late for home room.

Im sure the teacher wont mind too much.

Kaname, he said, a little more forcefully. He normally had the patience of a saint, but after having to ensure that his girlfriend managed to get out of bed each and everyday, even his tolerance was wearing thin. If you get up now and take a shower, you will feel much better.

She opened her eyes and looked up towards him. He never failed to make her swoon. That body. That face. His longish dark hair and those intense eyes. The cross-shaped scar showing just above the hem of his boxers. I think I have a better way of you getting me up. She winked and tugged upon his arms, not yielding until he was perched over her.

With a short kiss on the lips, she could tell he was already wavering. We have school in just over an hour. We shouldnt, he weakly protested.

Well make it, dont worry.

* * *

Just over an hour and 20 minutes later, the couple passed over the threshold of their home room. 

Kana-chan; Sagara-kun. Youre both late again? Just be glad the teachers late as well or youd both be in for detention, Kyouko cheekily commented. Torturing them was too much fun.

Kaname took up her seat, Sousuke falling into his own desk behind her. Dont look at me. Its not my fault.

Why? What did you do to offend her today, Sagara-kun?

Sousuke hesitated for a moment. Kyouko wished shed had her camera ready to record that comical expression.

Uh

Unsure if he was going to let the reason for their tardiness slip, Kaname interrupted. The idiot decided that it would be a good idea to do a strip search on a man he thought was carrying a gun. Luckily I was able to stop him before the cops showed up or the poor man was TOO deeply traumatised! Isnt that right, Sousuke? She turned around in her chair, awarding him with a stern stare.

Yes, Chidori. You are correct.

With his acceptance of the blame, Kyouko took her attention from her friends. However, Kanames vision wouldnt budge from the image of her boyfriend. He looked downcast, his head lowered and his grey eyes sad. What was wrong with him? Was he hurt by the fact she always choose him as the object of blame when they needed to hide something?

Sou-

Before she could continue, the classroom door slid back and their teacher walked in.

* * *

_I know this chapter is pretty subtext heavy, but there will be more dialogue in the next few. Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter Two

* * *

**Needless Secrets, Chapter 2 **

* * *

Kaname tossed the Pocky stick around in her mouth, sucking most of the chocolate coating off before biting into the wafer. She was bored. Completely and irrevocably bored.

A number of her female friends were crowded around a classroom table, delving into their lunches, and discussing everything from where to meet the coming Sunday to how cool the new hairstyle their favourite idol was sporting looked.

Kaname couldn't be bothered with any of it.

Sousuke had barely said a word to her all day. In fact, it almost seemed as if he was purposely avoiding her. Anytime they had exchanged words, there had been a notable amount of aggravation. She tried to quell her temper - she knew she was the one at fault - but since when had she been successful in that respect. He'd normally eat with the rest of them, gawking mystified at their teenage rants. She always enjoyed watching his confused reactions, and attempting to explain the terms he was unfamiliar with. Well, perhaps teasing was a better description.

She had no idea where he disappeared off. He'd made some flimsy excuse that she hadn't quite made out. Before she had a chance to ask again, he was gone.

She took a glance around her friends. How would they react if she told them of the relationship? Some of them were Sousuke's own friends, but even then he was considered the oddball of the school. But it wasn't really that which held her back. Maybe at first, when they were still friends, she'd felt embarrassed for falling for such a character, but now… Teasing be damned. In truth, she didn't care what they thought. If they did make any comments, she could easily shut them up.

No, it wasn't that putting a hold on her tongue. Then what was it? What held her so immobile? She doubted she'd be back on his good side until she could come up with the answer.

"Kana-chan, are you okay?" Kyouko quietly asked, breaking off from the group conversation.

Kaname faked a grin. "Yeah, I'm great, Kyouko. Why'd you ask?"

"Well, you just seem…down. Not your normal, lively self," she explained, a little sadness creeping into her jovial voice. "Did you and Sagara-kun have another fight?"

Kaname swallowed. Why did Kyouko always have to hit the nail on the head? To hide her awkwardness, she let out a loud laugh. "W-why would I get all depressed over a stupid fight with that idiot?! Why would you think such a ridiculous thing?"

"Well, it's just that…he seems to be acting much more withdrawn today than usual." Kyouko rarely sounded worried or anxious. Why did she suddenly sound so concerned over Kaname and Sousuke's friendship?

Normally when her friend began acting in such a way, Kaname would make a point of finding out the reason. But as that reason seemed to concern herself, she decided it would be fine left in the dark. "You know the way Sousuke is. Sometimes he goes quiet for a while." She shrugged, trying to show how unimportant those periods were. However, in her own mind she painfully remembered each time, and the life-threatening events that had preceded them. "If it makes you feel better, I'll have a talk with him and see if I can make him feel better."

Kyouko gave her the strangest look. It was almost completely unreadable, but there was an aspect of shock to it. "Oh…okay."

"Now can we PLEASE talk about something more important than that damn military otaku?"

* * *

Classes had ended twenty moments before. The last dregs of teenagers were picking up their books and quickly leaving the school grounds. Though it was still bright outside, the corridors, with the strip lighting turned off, were cast in shadows.

Kaname cautiously paced down the hallway towards her homeroom and peeked past the corner of the doorframe. Just as she had thought, there he was, tending to his cleaning duties. The room already looked immaculate, the chairs placed upside-down upon their corresponding tables. His shoulders slumped, face turned so she couldn't glance at his features, he still swept at the far end of the room.

What was she going to do about this? Was he really hurt because of this morning? Just because she had embarrassed him? But he should have been used to that by now…

She strolled into the classroom, her hands clasped behind her back. She had to attempt to improve his mood. That was her job as his girlfriend, after all. "Hey," she called, an uneasy smile upon her lips.

He jumped slightly at her words. That was unusual. Generally he'd be able to tell she was coming from over a hundred metres away. "Oh, Kaname. Hi." He seemed to brighten a little when he read her smile. "I will be finished in a few moments. Then we can walk home together."

"Oh…okay." She set one of the chairs back down upon the floor and hopped up onto the desk. "Sousuke..." She looked downwards for a moment before looking back up towards his moving form. It was best to just get this over with and apologise now, before she lost her courage. She always abhorred saying those words. "I'm sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have just pinned us being late on you."

She saw him smile at that. "It's okay, Kaname. I forgive you."

"Next time, I'll take the blame." That little allowance should make him happy.

His grin fell almost entirely. "Next time…? Okay."

"Are you all right, Sousuke?"

"Of course I am. What in the world would be wrong?"

There was heavily veiled resentment in his tone. Almost no one would be able to detect it, but it stood out clear as day to her. She felt her fingers grip more tightly upon the edge of the desk. She knew she should question his pitch but felt hesitant to do so. She especially couldn't do it somewhere so public; there were still a number of people wandering the halls.

He finished sweeping and neatly put his blazer back on, fastening the buttons efficiently. He wouldn't meet her gaze. "Kaname, I was wondering if…perhaps we could make a reservation at a restaurant sometime. I don't mean to undermine your cooking talents, however, I believe a different venue could be interesting."

Kaname sighed deeply. He wasn't being too subtle. She knew he was just trying to bring up this topic once more. They were always brought back to this familiar piece of territory; it seemed he was never going to let this drop. "Sousuke, you know we can't do that. Not until we tell everyone about us."

"If we ever tell them," he muttered under his breath so low she could barely make it out.

Kaname felt herself growing ever more aggravated but held her tongue. Causing an argument was certainly not going to help things. She'd used everything she could think of to appease him before: 'Let's wait until we're sure this is going to work out', 'Let's just wait until the exams are over', 'Don't you think it's fun having a secret relationship?' Maybe it was time to provide him with something a little more truthful… "Just please give me a little more time…I'm not ready yet," she whispered. She closed her eyes and began rubbing her temples with her fingers, attempting to ease the sudden tension away.

"Are you okay?" His voice, full of concern, seemed closer to her than before.

"Yeah, just a bit of a headache." She flinched when she felt his hands upon her wrists, pulling her arms down and away. He then began to massage her temples with a gentle pressure. She wanted to push him away; she had to. If anyone saw this, rumours would spread like wildfire. But his soft touch prevented her from any form of rejection. "That feels nice," she breathed.

As she relaxed into his touch, she became aware of something else close to her. At first, she tried to force the distraction from her mind, but when she felt something moist touch her lips, she jerked backwards. "Sousuke—" she started, but he pushed himself forward once more, trying to kiss her again. Stuck between his body and the desk, with her head in his hands, she felt trapped. She had to escape before anyone saw them.

Twisting her body, she was able to break out of his grip and climb over the desk. Feet back on the floor, she looked over towards him, her eyes hard. "What the hell are you doing, you blockhead?! Anyone could have seen us!"

He stared back at her, visibly upset by her reaction. She felt her breath catch in her lungs. He was really hurting? This much?

He grabbed his satchel and threw the strap over his shoulder. "It's getting late. We should head home." He started towards the door without saying anything further.

She grabbed her own bag and ran after him. He was already speeding through the corridor by the time she caught up.

* * *

They had made it home in record time, Sousuke always a few steps ahead of her. Once again no words had been exchanged. He wouldn't even turn in her direction.

She wasn't exactly anticipating the little 'talk' they would have as soon as they reached her apartment. She crossed her arms over her chest and watched her feet beat upon the path. He was going to want answers. Even after an entire day racking her brain, she had none to give him.

Passing through the square between their apartment buildings, Sousuke came to an abrupt halt. Not paying attention, she found herself almost colliding with his back. "I have things I must take care of in my apartment. I will escort you to school in the morning. Until then, Chidori."

She felt the chill behind his cold words hit her. She couldn't remember the last time he'd used her surname when they were alone together. It almost felt as if her lungs were being crushed under some tremendous weight. She felt immobile, unable to even nod her head in reply.

He moved towards her, glancing into her eyes for the briefest second. She felt like she'd been hit a second time. His voice had been cold, but the look in his brown eyes showed something different. She could only remember a few times when she had seen them so full of emotion.

She wanted to call out to him, apologise for what she had done and beg forgiveness for her own confusion. But before she realised it, he had walked past her, and was now a few steps from the building's entrance.

* * *

Her eyes just wouldn't droop. She'd tried everything, from clearing her mind of all thoughts to a long bath. With her level of desperation, she'd even attempted to count sheep. Two thirty in the morning and she was still wide-awake.

And she had to get up in four hours.

Bonta-kun was perched upon her, her arms gripping it tightly. It wasn't exactly something that would serve to help her mood, but she held onto it nonetheless. The bed was feeling much too empty. They had spent every night together since the first time they'd slept together; even on those occasions where they weren't intimate, he wouldn't let her out of his arms. So much for the supposedly unemotional Sergeant. She still found it difficult to believe how affectionate he could be. She guessed that's what happened after almost eighteen years of repressing that side of his personality.

She twisted onto her side and reached her hand under her pillow, trying to prop it up a little. Her fingertips brushed against cold metal. She sighed. He'd forgotten to take it this morning. She must have distracted him somehow.

She gripped the handle and pulled his Glock 26 from its hiding place. They had spent a few days at a shooting range several weeks earlier, and Sousuke had been surprised at how quickly she'd learned how to use the pistol. She had even hit the centre of a couple of targets, and he'd told her that in no time she'd be a dab hand. She smiled, remembering the look of pride upon his face.

He didn't seem too proud of her now.

She lifted the gun, checked the magazine ­ fully loaded as she expected ­ and aimed towards the ceiling. Disengaging the safeties, she had to force herself not to pull the trigger. She enjoyed the surge of power the weapon gave her. She was now beginning to understand how he felt. He was affecting her so much. She not only felt herself becoming more tempered and softer due to their relationship but also exhilarated by the world he'd known since he was a child. Maybe she just loved drama. Ever since they day they met over a year before, she'd been through experiences her friends couldn't even contemplate. Of course it frightened her, but it was exciting at the same time. And having a handsome bodyguard certainly didn't hurt.

He was even guarding her in the midst of all this.

She looked towards the corner of the room, next to the door to the bathroom. She couldn't see it, but she knew that the listening device was there. Another was placed in her living room. He could probably hear her tossing and turning. There was also the communicator he'd given to her in case of an emergency. She placed the Glock on the bedside table and picked up the communicator.

She could use it to call him, to say she was sorry, to ask him what he wanted to happen. But she wasn't brave enough. She was too terrified of what he would say. When had this happened? When had she become so afraid to take action?

No; that wasn't her. She could defeat her enemies; she could take down anyone who tried to bring her down. She'd done so in middle school, pulling herself up from the lowest point to which she'd fallen. She terrified most pupils at Jindai and always got her way in the Students' Council. None of that had changed. She was still the same person. It was him. Just him. The thought of losing what they had built up…their friendship…their love… It was that possibility that weakened her.

She'd always pushed away the fact that he could be killed in a mission and spend eternity in some inhospitable foreign land. But the fact that he could perhaps choose to leave her… Because of the way she treated him…

_I'm such a horrible person._

She felt a few tears roll down over her temples, sinking into her black hair. She didn't even bother to wipe them away. She brought her attention to the listening device once more. "You know I love you, Sousuke." Her strong voice wavered slightly. "But I don't understand this myself yet. You know the way I am. But I'll try. That's all I can promise for now. I hope that's enough."


	3. Chapter Three

_Thanks to Anysia for her betareading talents once again. And thank you to all the kind people who have reviewed so far. The number and form of reviews have gone way past anything I was expecting. _

* * *

**Needless Secrets, Chapter 3**

* * *

The next few school days were little different. When Sousuke was in her presence, he was as distant as she had ever known him to be. He hadn't even caused any problems for the school administration. The few glances he'd placed upon her were confused, as if part of him wanted to speak to her but another element was pulling him away.

Kaname herself was truly beginning to feel the strain. She'd been slacking off in her schoolwork. She'd cancelled the weekly Student Council meeting as she just hadn't felt up to it. She was avoiding her friends just so she didn't have to turn down their invitations. Each night was being spent lying upon her sofa, staring at the TV or playing video games. She'd eaten nothing but take-out food. Even basic activities were punctuated by thought.

She could feel some of her own hurt transform into anger directed at her boyfriend. Why was he treating her like this? She had told him she just needed a little more time to understand her own actions. So why wasn't he permitting her that? Wasn't a relationship meant to be give and take? He was the one in the wrong here! If he had a problem, then why in the hell didn't he just come out and face her, demanding an answer? Instead he'd simply ignored her. Was he just going to abandon their relationship rather than take a few simple steps in an attempt to revive it?

Those thoughts were constantly quelled by her logic. Though she'd been on numerous first dates, this was the only time she'd been in a relationship. She found it hard at times to figure out what to do and say, what steps she should take. But she'd at least had experience of how relationships were supposed to be. She'd learned so much through observation and absorption; she'd talked to countless friends, seen the way her parents treated one another. Hell, even when she was forced to watch a sappy chick flick, she'd been able to glean some knowledge. What second-hand experience did Sousuke have?

He knew next to nothing; it was his place to make mistakes. It had been through her that he had begun to learn what a relationship could be. Now she was invalidating her own lessons by providing him with contradictory information.

She told him a relationship was meant to be open, and yet she was the one hiding it from curious eyes.

She had said it was all about balance, and yet she'd been taking more from him than she had given.

Love was about helping the person you cared about when they were hurting. What had she done to ease his pain over this? She'd simply pushed him further away.

And he HAD made an effort, though he couldn't say the words. He had tried, in his own naïve way, to get her to admit why she was doing this. That's why he'd kissed her in the classroom, why he'd tried to hurt her in return. Perhaps his innocent soul thought that it would provoke a reaction from her.

It wasn't his place to solve the fracture. He was hurting but didn't know how to heal the wound. That was why he found it hard to be around her. It was up to her to solve this riddle before everything shattered before her.

But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't find the truths to put the pieces together.

* * *

Before she knew it, it was Friday. Chilled by the thought of a lonely weekend, she'd asked Kyouko to stay over. She couldn't stand another night without someone there to speak with. And she owed it to her friend; she'd been somewhat absent from Kyouko's life as of late.

They had busied themselves with the same old things they had always enjoyed: watching rented movies, laughing at the most recent implausible storyline in their favourite drama, and just chatting about any topic that fell within their radar. It had been the first time in days Kaname had been able to find some form of distraction. The relaxed atmosphere was helping to ease her overactive mind.

She had been searching through her bathroom cabinet for nail polish remover. Scanning through the numerous items that cluttered the shelves, she hadn't even come close to finding it. She was almost certain she'd put it in there…

"Find it yet, Kana-chan?" Kyouko called from the bedroom.

She sighed. "No luck. What about the dresser?"

Kyouko gave the drawer contents a last examine before closing it. "No; I checked all the drawers and it's nowhere in them. Is there anywhere else you could have put it?"

"Check the bedside tables. That's about the only other place I may have put it." As she continued shuffling the bottles in the cabinet around, she heard her friend search one of the tables before moving onto the second.

"Found it, Ka-" She stopped in mid-sentence.

"Kyouko?" Kaname poked her head out of the bathroom. Her friend was standing frozen, staring at the open drawer. With a start, Kaname realised what her eyes were focused upon. _So much for keeping secrets…_ Something was always bound to drag them into the open.

Kyouko turned to her, pure shock showing on her features. Kaname gulped audibly. She didn't know if her friend was going to burst into a fit of laughter or yell at her for being utterly stupid. "Kaname… Why…uh…"

Before she could say anything more, Kaname shushed her by placing a finger upon her lips. Kyouko obeyed, but her mouth remained agog. Grabbing a needle from the sewing kit in her school bag, Kaname shut her bedroom door and pulled a chair up to the corner of the room. The listening device now within her sight, she located the indent Sousuke had told her would mute transmissions. "Sorry, Sergeant," she whispered. "You're not allowed to listen in." She pushed the needle into the hollow.

Stepping off the chair, she took a deep breath before turning towards her friend. They just stared at one another for a long moment, before Kaname took the initiative and closed the drawer, flopping down upon her bed. She had to hold off her instinct to flee the scene.

"C-condoms, Kaname?" All the dark-haired girl could do in response was nod. Kyouko seemed to ponder something for a moment, before a small smile crossed over her lips. "Sagara-kun!" Her light voice held no trace of uncertainty. How could it be anyone else? Kaname nodded once more. "I knew it! I KNEW it!"

"You did?! How? How did you know? Who else? Does anyone else know?" she asked in a rush, grabbing the older girl's arms and shaking her. Kaname felt her body begin to panic. The strange looks? The questions she'd asked throughout the week? It all clicked. Kyouko suspected what had been happening and was worried about her and Sousuke's relationship.

"Calm down, Kana-chan." She sat down on the bed and placed her hand upon Kaname's shoulder. "Well…I didn't know exactly, but I was suspicious. It's just the way you've been acting together lately, and with the way you look at each other..."

"'The ever-vigilant Kyouko'. You get any good pictures?"

She simply giggled at the joke. "And with all the times you've been ducking out of softball practice and hanging out with me and the girls…"

Kaname shook her head, her guilt setting in once again. "I'm really sorry. I haven't been the greatest friend lately."

Kyouko shrugged. "You've got a new boyfriend; it's understandable."

"Do you think anyone else suspects anything?"

"Well, everyone's been suspicious that something was happening between you guys ever since he transferred. It's obvious from the way you look at each other. A few people asked me if you were a couple, but I told them no. If you were together but hadn't told anyone, I guessed you both wanted to keep it a secret for a little while."

"Thanks." Lying back upon the bed, her hands cupped behind her head, Kaname sighed. What was she going to do now? Of course Kyouko wouldn't breathe a word to another soul, but she felt anxious. It was too late to do anything about it, though… "I guess you want a bit of an explanation?"

"Mmm, well, that would be nice."

Kaname attempted to explain everything to her engrossed companion; however, she found herself passing over most of the personal details. She still felt the uncontrollable need to hold back, and could only reveal what she felt was required.

Kyouko grinned through the whole story, every once in a while a soft romantic sigh escaping her lips. "Kana-chan, I'm so happy for you!" Kaname couldn't help but feel herself becoming infected by her friend's excitement. She felt a smile tug at her lips, but it was soon displaced. "You guys ended up in bed pretty quickly. I didn't think Sagara-kun had it in him!"

"'Ended up in bed pretty quickly'!?" She was on her feet, her voice at optimum, but Kyouko didn't even flinch. "Well, yeah, it did only take us a couple of weeks, but we'd been spending all of our time together and…we'd done…other things before! And we didn't mean for it to happen that night! It just…did!" Kaname sighed. And she was supposed to be keeping a hold on things. She never really did have control over her big mouth.

Kyouko couldn't do anything but laugh. "So do you love him?" she teased.

She sat down heavily once again. "Of course I do," she answered sincerely. "I wouldn't let a guy so much as touch me unless I did."

"Does he love you?" Kyouko asked with a little hesitation.

Her face lit up briefly. "…yeah."

Kyouko moved a little closer and placed her head upon Kaname's shoulder. Her amused expression had disappeared, making way for one of concern. "So what's been happening this last week? You guys don't seem to be getting along that well."

Kaname leaned against her friend. An unexpected wish to confide in someone had come over her. After all, the secret was already out; was there truly any use in holding back now? Kyouko had already helped her through a number of problems, especially at the start of high school…perhaps she could do the same now. "He's angry at me for all of this. I don't know why, but I didn't want anyone to find out about us. I wanted it to be a secret. I thought that after a little while, I'd be happy to tell everyone. Now, months later… I just can't bring myself to. And I don't understand why."

"How do you feel about me knowing?"

"Anxious. Worried. Scared."

"Why?"

"…I don't know. I just feel like if anyone finds out, something's going to go wrong. Like…I'm tempting fate or something. I…" She didn't know how to explain it any further; she didn't understand the feelings herself. "But I know I'm really hurting Sousuke like this. He's completely different than how I thought he'd be in a relationship. He's even a little clingy." She swallowed heavily. "What he went through as a kid makes my life sound like a fairy tale. No one's ever really shown him any love, and he only has a few close friends." Images of Kurtz, Melissa and Tessa filtered through her mind. "I'm being so unfair to him. He's doing everything he can to learn what it's like to be a normal teenager, and I'm the one holding him back. If I could tell him the reason, I know he'd be more accepting, but I can't even do that for him."

"Oh, Kaname…why can't you just say that to him?"

"I've tried, but he just gets exasperated. I can't blame him; I'd feel the same way. No; until I can prove something to him, I don't see a way out of this. And by that time, I'll probably have pushed him away totally."

"Don't look at it that way. Sagara-kun isn't the type to give up on anything easily. He's never left your side, no matter how you've treated him, when most guys run away after catching a brief glimpse of your…more destructive side."

Kaname tried to quell her anger; she wasn't about to prove her friend's point.

"Although he's tried to hide it, when you've been interested in other guys, he gets really heartbroken." Memories of that Sunday at the theme park came to mind, along with the mental image of a shaken and awkward Sousuke Sagara. "He's worn that same sombre expression for the past few days. He cares a lot about you, so I'm sure he'll wait. Just have faith in him."

"I have a lot more faith in him than I do in myself," Kaname said softly. "I really need to show him that more often, though. I need to show him a lot of other things more often, like respect. And I know I can do that by finding out the answers for him, and giving more than I take. I…" She took a deep breath, trying to prevent her voice from cracking. "I can't lose him."

"Don't worry; you won't." Turning so that she was facing Kaname, her legs crossed upon the bed, Kyouko decided that now was the time to steer the conversation to more light-hearted concerns. "So, what's Sagara-kun like as a boyfriend?"

"Kyouko!"

"Oh, come on! You've always told me about your dates."

"Yeah, but almost every date I've ever had was set up by you, and the only details I shared was how much of an asshole the guy was." Having gotten some of her concerns off her back, Kaname could feel herself opening up. It would be fun to gossip like this. After all, they'd been best friends since they were fifteen. Kyouko was the only person she felt halfway comfortable admitting things to. She knew she still didn't have the strength to reveal the truth to anyone else. "Okay, I give. What do you want to know?"

"You said he was 'clingy'," she giggled. "I can't ever imagine him like that."

"Well, he isn't in the truest sense of the word. It's more his protective side coming out. He just loves to hold me sometimes. He can still be really awkward and unsure, even when we're…you know. But I can't but find that incredibly cute. And he's not romantic or anything, but sometimes he really tries to make the effort. It generally ends in disaster…but that can just makes things even more romantic. It's hard to describe," she explained, noticing Kyouko's confused expression. "He really is everything I want, just in an unexpected form. I just need to make a point of showing him that more."

* * *

Kaname rolled around in her bed once again. _Not another sleepless night… _She'd already lost enough hours of slumber. She climbed out of her bed; if she wasn't going to fall asleep naturally, she wasn't going to force the issue.

Her mind was deliberating over what she and Kyouko had spoken of the night before. Their conversation had done wonders; while she hadn't reached anything definitive yet, but everything seemed a little clearer. She had discarded a number of possible reasons, and more were falling by the wayside by the minute.

Stepping over to the large windows, she pulled the curtains back. Sousuke's living room lights were still on, despite it being after two in the morning. She couldn't help but wonder what he was up to.

She paced around the room for a moment before making her way to the dresser. There were more photo frames littering the surface than ever before. In addition to those of her immediate family, there were a number of her friends, and even a few of her and Sousuke. Several of them were non-descript; there was little evidence of their feelings being displayed, and some were taken even before they had begun dating. But there was one where their feelings were clearly displayed. She'd made an effort to hide that one before Kyouko had come over.

They were lying upon her sofa, cuddled up. One of her arms was extended, obviously holding the camera. She was laughing, gazing upwards, but his eyes were focused squarely upon her, shining with intensity. A cute, tender smile was on his lips. She'd always loved that photo. She believed that it perfectly demonstrated how much he truly loved her, and it was one of the few times his image had been captured with a clear display of emotion.

Not allowing the photograph to throw her into another period of doubt over their relationship, she instead channelled her feelings into something positive. She had to convert it into strength that would fuel her inner journey; she was determined not to accept this situation as the end.

She brought her eyes away and over to another frame, this time containing her mother's visage. She picked up the framed photograph and sat at the foot of her bed. "I know I always say it, but I mean it more than normal now. I really wish you were still here. I wish I had you around to tell me about boys and what to do when a relationship feel into hard times. I know if you were around, you could help me, Mum."

That was when it hit her. Staring at the aged print, she felt the pieces come together. The reasons she was holding back, the sense of impending doom. It finally made sense. She was afraid of it all happening again, going through that pain. She was afraid of becoming the person she once was, the frightened young girl who'd been in trouble with the law, who'd almost taken her own life.

Sousuke's light was still on. He would still be awake. This was far too important to leave until the morning. She had to tell him. She had to explain her actions and put a stop to his pain.

She ran out of her bedroom, threw on her coat over her striped pyjamas and slipped into a pair of shoes while grabbing her keys. Within a few seconds, she was gone, running down the stairs of her apartment building. She wasn't about to wait for the elevator; she needed to get to him as fast as she could.


	4. Chapter Four

_This was to be the last chapter and should have been up a few days ago, but I decided that Kaname and Sousuke's relationship needed a little fleshing out. So, now we have two chapters…and this one is much longer than the others. _

_ Thanks to everyone for the stellar reviews. I literally am shocked by them. When I started writing this, I thought that perhaps 15 or 20 for the full thing would be good. So, everyone, big thanks!! You've given me a hell of a lot of confidence when writing this. Hell, who knows, I may actually be a good author!! _

_ Big hugs go out to Anysia, my beta-reader. Thanks so much, sweetie!! I feel total paranoid about a chapter before you work your usual magic /glomps/ _

_ Okay, on with the show. _

* * *

**Needless Secrets, Chapter 4**

* * *

Her legs were beginning to ache. The distance between their apartments was anything but substantial; however, starting off into her sprint cold, her body already weakened with lack of sleep, she felt as though she was mid-way through a marathon.

She glanced around the square, thanking whatever deity that might be listening that no one was there to watch her desperate dash. A girl in her pyjamas, hair unrestrained, with no trace of make-up, running around like someone possessed in the middle of the night? She'd never quite live it down.

With each step she knew she was drawing closer to her destination. But time seemed to be passing so slowly; she felt as if she was standing still, her goal moving swiftly away from her. She tried to pump her legs harder, but she was already running fill tilt.

In the midst of her endless journey, she felt her mind wander, passing over those moments that were most significant in their relationship, both before and after that first kiss.

The day he had arrived at school, the instant attraction that she felt…which was subsequently destroyed the moment she saw Ms. Kagurazaka holding that 'toy' gun.

The time they had spent talking at the quiet train station.

Their trek through that forest. The sweet things he had said to her upon the da Dannan and at his secret fishing place.

The frightened look upon his face after she had fallen through the hospital floor.

The way he blushed when he told her she was beautiful.

His sleepy face as she snipped away at his overgrown hair.

Their reunion on the back streets of Hong Kong. The transformation in his features when he saw her standing before him. One moment he was ready to give up…the next his eyes gleamed with determination.

* * *

It had already been past midnight on a school night, but her confession mere hours before had left both ignorant of the passage of time. _Who cares if it's hard to get through tomorrow's classes?_ Kaname remembered thinking. _Tonight's only gonna happen once._

They had sat upon her sofa, the TV still flickering in the background. He held her a bit awkwardly, his body slightly stiff. It would be at least a week before he felt comfortable being so physically close to her.

She couldn't piece together the conversation that well; she only recalled that she had been telling him a few stories from her youth. Something in particular concerning her, her sister, the beach and jetties had actually caused him to laugh.

Kaname had stared up at him, slightly surprised by the noise. It hadn't been boisterous or noisy; he hadn't laughed for that long, nor had the volume of his voice risen at all. Just the fact that he had permitted it to escape shocked her.

He clued into her confusion. "What is it, Kaname?"

She realised how silly she was acting. Sousuke himself didn't seem to notice anything unusual in his response, so why should she? Everyone laughed, didn't they? Just because he did it so infrequently didn't mean he lacked the capability, after all. But the brief noise had caused her to feel warm inside. "Nothing. It's just…nice to hear you laugh. It's a really beautiful sound."

That had certainly made him uncomfortable. Sitting up a little straighter, she could see his eyes searching for focus. She didn't need to hear his next words to know he was desperate to change the subject. "So…uh…what should we do when we arrive at school in the morning?"

"What do you mean?" Her full attention wasn't upon his words. She still felt light-headed.

"How should we tell everyone about us?"

"'About us'?"

"About us," he blushed, "having a relationship?"

Without really thinking things through, Kaname blurted out, "We don't need to tell everyone yet, do we? Ha ha!" She laughed awkwardly.

"But why not? Is it not always best to be honest?"

"Ah…yeah, but…" she slid into him, pouting. She was now free to flirt uninhibited. "Don't you think it would be kind of exciting just keeping things between us for a little while?"

The way she was cosied up to his body, a hand resting upon his chest, certainly worked its charms. His blush turned a darker shade of red. "Ahh…uhh…okay."

Despite his answer, he still looked unconvinced and even unhappy with her wish. Her mind began to race, looking for every excuse that could aid her. "Well…it's also… Well, have you thought about how some people may feel about our relationship? Tessa for instance? I don't like the thought of hurting anyone."

She momentarily glimpsed a fleeting awkward expression cross his features. So he did have an inkling of his captain's feelings towards him. "I think she already understands that my feelings reside with you. She may be emotionally hurt, but she is good person. She cares for both of us. I know she will accept us regardless."

Sousuke won that round. "Maybe." She sighed. "Don't worry; we _will_ tell everyone. But I think we should just keep things quiet until we really know what's happening between us."

He simply nodded.

In retrospect, Kaname couldn't understand her actions back then. All she knew was the thought of revealing things made her nauseous…

* * *

Opening her eyes, she sat up with a start. The room was cast in shadows. The only light filtered through the doorway to her left. For a brief moment she had no idea where she was. But as her vision adjusted to the dark, she recognised the sparse details.

_Sousuke's bedroom? But where is he?_

She pulled the blanket from her body, stood from the bed and made her way from the room. The sun had already risen; the living room was bathed in a gentle glow. And there, lying on the hard floor, Sousuke slept. His Glock was even gripped tightly within his hand.

She took a few steps closer to him, hoping to rouse him gently, but before she had made her way halfway to him, he awoke. At first he seemed to be on high alert, but once he caught sight of her, he slowly moved to sit, smiling slightly. "Good morning, Kaname."

"Mornin'." She continued on her path to her boyfriend, giving him a lingering kiss before sitting upon the sofa behind him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she placed her cheek against his. He went rigid for a moment before relaxing into her caress. "Did I nod off last night?"

"Yes; during the movie. I wished to wake you but…" His voice trailed off.

"What?" she teased, able to feel the rise in warmth in his cheek.

"You…uh…you looked rather attractive…" He paused for a moment, rethinking his words. "Uh…lovely…so I did not want to wake you." He gave her a tender look. "I wished to watch you sleep for a while."

She tightened her gentle grip. "Thank you," she whispered before a playful urge came upon her. "So, why are you sleeping out here? There's enough room in the bed for both of us." She heard him inhale sharply. Kaname doubted anyone else on the planet could be so entertaining.

"I thought that you might find that…inappropriate."

"What? You don't trust yourself?" she laughed. "Or are you worried that I may take advantage of you?"

There was no reply.

Standing, she grabbed one of his hands and pulled him up from the floor. "Don't worry, Sousuke. Sleeping in the same bed doesn't ALWAYS lead to that." Her slightly mischievous emphasis caused him to swallow heavily. "Sometimes it's just nice to lie down together and cuddle. And it's still really early; I know I could do with some more shut-eye."

Now a bit more willing, he followed her lead. Once they reached his room, she abandoned her playful façade; she didn't want to scare him away so early in their relationship. Once she was comfortable, her body facing the wall opposite the doorway, and he lying with his chest to her back, she shifted backwards and pulled his arms over her. Within seconds, she found herself falling back into slumber.

But before she was lost to the conscious world, she heard his breathing deepen and his hold relax. Peering over her shoulder, she gazed at his sleeping face. She couldn't remember a time he appeared so tranquil…

* * *

Pulling the brush once more through her wet locks, she placed the object back down upon the sink before making her way back towards Sousuke's room. He was still in the exact same position as he had been when she had left to take a shower--seated at the end of his bed, his whole countenance untroubled. His eyes held a faraway, distant gaze. The grin present on his lips was almost lopsided. It was hard to recognise the well-known gloomy Sergeant in his current conditions; he looked like any other teenage boy after he'd gotten lucky.

She plopped herself down beside him, resting her head upon his shoulder. Instantly she felt his arm manoeuvre itself around her. He hadn't even hesitated in the slightest. Maybe she should have done this a year ago; perhaps then she wouldn't have had to deal with so many disastrous situations. It seemed like the only thing that had truly opened him up.

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Good. Great. I mean amazing…umm. I'm sorry."

She felt a small thread of guilt unravel once more. "You don't regret what happened last night? Well, and this morning?" she added with a blush.

He seemed touched by her concern. "Don't worry. If I had not been willing, I would have refused. And I am very happy with the decision I made."

"Thank God," she exclaimed. "Though…"

"Yes, Kaname?"

"Well, I was a little worried before in case you didn't know…everything. I mean…it wasn't that long ago you had no idea what kissing was."

His face was beginning to resemble a ripened tomato. "Uh…I…a good friend explained several things to me, believing I would need to use that knowledge at some point in the future."

Kaname couldn't help the sinking feeling in her stomach. _Please let him not mean… _"Kurtz?" she asked, afraid of Sousuke answering with an affirmative.

"Negative."

Her mind danced with joy.

"In fact, it was Miss Mao. She told me she was…concerned about my future. She did not wish for me to go unprepared. I think she is perhaps suspicious of our mutual feelings." Sousuke turned to her, his eyes meeting hers. "Kaname…thank you."

"Why are you thanking me, you idiot?"

"Just for being here for me. No one has cared for me a fraction of how much you do. This last month has been unimaginable. Last night was…wonderful." The words came easily to him. She'd never seen him so accepting of his emotions. She was equally surprised when he pulled her into an embrace. He held her so firmly it seemed as if he never wanted to let go. She melted against him in response…

* * *

She couldn't let those times simply fade into memories, couldn't just give him up without throwing herself, body and soul, into the challenge. He had changed so much for her, put himself through so much pain. Now it was her turn. She didn't care if her admissions hurt. No matter what it took, whatever sacrifice she had to make, she'd keep things alive between them. If she didn't, what she most feared would undoubtedly come true.

She turned the corner and ran down the corridor until she stood outside his door. She stared at its frame for a moment, catching her breath, before tentatively raising her arm.

* * *

"Chidori? What are you doing here?"

Kaname pushed past him, pacing through the hallway until she reached the small living area. She may have had a loose fuse or two, but she wasn't about to start yelling in the corridor in the early hours. And she'd come over intent upon giving him an apology!

She could feel Sousuke falling behind her, stepping into the room. Turning to face him, she growled, "Chidori? Chidori?! After everything we've been through, are we back to that again?! So, what, there's a problem in our relationship and you suddenly think it's over?"

She watched as Sousuke froze for a moment, thoughts clearly racing as he seemed to decide upon something. "No, I…Kaname…" he began before exhaling, falling mute.

"What?!"

"I…" he stumbled again.

Her hands went to pull at the short hairs that fell around her face. If she'd known he was going to be so indecisive, she would have brought her harisen along. No, scratch that. Something more effective was called for. Her softball bat, maybe? "If you have something to say to me, would you just say it already?!"

"I thought that was what you wanted!" he shouted back out of nowhere.

Kaname felt herself take a step back. She couldn't remember the last time he'd raised his voice in such a way. He always seemed to have his temper so firmly under control. But now… His eyes were dark, but at the same time uncertainty gleamed through the shadows.

Sousuke threw himself down upon the sofa, his vision centred upon the hard floor. With his long, thick fringe hanging down like a curtain, she couldn't even catch a glimpse of his face. "The way you've treated me…" His voice was low and even, but she could tell he was having difficulty forming his words. "The fact you've been so adamant about keeping our relationship a secret… I believed I was just giving you what you wished for by leaving you alone."

"What I wished for?" She felt her anger waver but tried not to let that become evident in her voice. "What do you mean, Sousuke?"

He looked up towards her. His eyes were deeply troubled. "Kaname, I am sure that you must be able to see the situation clearly." She shook her head, afraid of where his logical mind had taken him. "Think about the man you have always believed you would end up with." He paused for a beat. "Then think of me. In what ways are were similar? How do we differ?" All Kaname could do was stare dumbfounded into his eyes. "I suppose that there is little to no correlation." He tore his eyes from hers once again. "I am not the kind of man you desire. You must be quite aware that you would fare better with someone else. You believe that I cannot provide you with what you require. That is why you cannot bring yourself to tell anyone about us."

The kick was swift and hard. She hadn't meant to use her foot, but there had been nothing else at hand to deliver a harsh blow. She had forgotten that she'd grabbed the first pair of shoes she could find in her rush ­ her hard-toed black formal heels.

"Kaname, that hurt," he said simply, rubbing his bruised shin.

"I know it did! It was supposed to! Where the hell do you get off telling me what I'm feeling?!" If it was possible, her volume had risen by a few decibels.

"But isn't the truth--"

"Do you think I'd be that cold-hearted?" she interrupted, hands on hips, glaring down at him. "'Oh, Sousuke, I love you but you're nothing like the guy I imagined I'd end up with. I can't be bothered anymore, so see ya, have a nice life.' Yeah, you are completely different from my 'dream guy', but I don't care! If I wanted, I could have been with someone like that. Before we even met, I was in love with my so-called 'ideal' man. When I ran into him last year, he told me he felt the same way. And do you know what I did? I turned him down. I turned him down and broke his heart. Why? Because I was so terrified of erasing any hope of something possibly happening between you and me!"

"But…" He looked genuinely puzzled. There were beads of sweat upon his forehead and his eyes roamed, unable to find something to focus upon. With her anger dissipating, she began to fall back into her circle of guilt. She didn't know why she was yelling at him when he looked so gloomy.

"You told me that you always wished to be with me. I am aware that you would like to be married someday, that you would perhaps like to have a family." His words were slow. It was obvious how focused he was upon them. "The longer you held off from telling people what was developing between us, the more I began to worry that you would never break this…veil of secrecy. That perhaps you wished to retain it as you did not want to share such things as marriage and a family with me. That you wanted to put a barrier in the way of our future."

"Why would I want to do that?" She heard him sigh heavily. He obviously thought all of this should be self-evident to her.

"Because I embarrass you. I hassle you. It was hard enough for you to initially admit that we were friends." He looked her straight in the face. His eyes seemed to hold a glare. "You don't want anyone to know that you have fallen for someone like me."

"Oh, God," she sighed. Let the boy think for himself, and he ends up shooting far off the mark. She threaded her fingers into her hair. She felt like she wanted to scream. "This has NOTHING to do with me being embarrassed! Yeah, sometimes after you carry out one of your idiotic stunts, I just want to slink away and pretend like I had no part in it. But…I don't care what people think about our relationship. I wouldn't give a damn if they tease me about dating you. I'm not the type of person who frets over how popular they are. Hell, if they piss me off with snide remarks, it's easy enough to get them to shut up!"

She moved a little closer too him. "I'd go through anything to be with you, Sousuke. This whole situation…" She felt her strong resolve begin to slip. The discoveries she had made began to present themselves with more vigour. "…I'm not acting this way because of you. You haven't done anything wrong." She could hear her voice beginning to crack, a painful lump forming within her throat. His image before her was blurring. Moisture was heavy upon her eyelashes. "It's me. I'm the one who's screwed up."

She felt her knees buckle, her shins hitting the wooden floor with a thud. The tears were now rolling from her eyes, cascading down her cheeks. She hated crying like this, hated being so fragile in front of him. How many times had he seen her this way? Once, maybe twice? But she just couldn't contain it. Her façade of control had disappeared. She just wanted to kneel there and cry until the torrent allowed some of her pain to slowly ebb.

She heard a noise before her, and two hands rested themselves upon her upper arms. "Kaname?" That anxious voice…

Without making a conscious decision, she threw herself into his arms. "It can't happen again. It just can't! I don't think I could get through it!"

His arms snaked their way around her body. He pressed her closer to him, resting his chin upon her soft hair. "Get through what? Kaname, are you okay? What's wrong? Did something happen?" he spoke without pause. He had such a talent for rambling when he panicked. It could have made her smile in the midst of her tears if it wasn't for the fearful look he gave her.

She attempted to answer, a few almost articulate noises escaping her lips, but her raspy breath prevented her from saying anything he could really comprehend. Wordlessly, he led her over to the sofa and seated them, never once breaking contact.

* * *

Time passed - five, ten, twenty minutes, she wasn't exactly sure ­ before she felt her body relax. Her tears were beginning to subside, leaving her eyes pained and raw. Her breathing was more settled. She had almost stopped trembling. She glanced back up towards his face. His expression hadn't changed in the slightest--his eyes were still begging for answers she wasn't sure she had the strength to provide.

She had to try, though. They were there, on the tip of her tongue. She just had to make the effort, allow them to fall from her mouth. If she couldn't admit these things to him, who else could she reveal them to?

"Everyone thinks I'm so strong," she began, almost confident, "like nothing is going to affect me. And I'm actually like that a lot of the time." She paused for a moment, holding onto his body a little more securely than before. "But sometimes…things happen and I just don't know how to deal with them. I begin to act out or try to hide them, but it's all just a cover for my fear of…of getting too close."

She swallowed painfully and inhaled deeply. _Come on, Kaname. You can do this._ "I've told you before about how close I was to my Mum? That before she died, there was no one I felt closer to?" Sousuke nodded, his full attention reigned upon her words. "I also told you about the problems I had when I got back to Japan right before she died?" Another nod. "I guess it's really only now I realise that they were part of the same thing.

"When someone is taken away from you, it's normal to feel devastated and to want to withdraw yourself from everyone. I'm sure you know what I mean. You lost both of your parents."

She saw a brief flash of some unidentified emotion cross his features. "I never knew them. I can't even remember anything about them." When her expression fell, he added, "But I have lost many whom I considered friends. I think I can sympathise to a certain extent." She needed support, not cold, hard logic.

Kaname rewarded him with a slight smile and gently squeezed his hand. "I've always been opinionated, and I started to exert myself even more after we moved to New York. Maybe it was the people there. Or maybe it was just me growing up. But I can see now that wasn't the only reason for the way I acted when I got back to Tokyo.

"We had just found out that the cancer was terminal. It was why we came back home. For years I've thought my old friends were treating me so badly because I had changed when I was away. I thought they didn't like the new me. But the person I was back then wasn't the real me."

She hesitated for a moment, thinking things through. Her realisation was coming clearer, but she feared her words were somewhat garbled. But he never interrupted her; he just sat patiently, allowing her to ponder things to herself. She'd trained him well. "My mother's death was the main reason for me changing. My friends wouldn't have bullied me just because I was more strong-willed. They did it because of the way I treated them. I withdrew myself. I treated them unfairly all because I was hurting inside. I…was pushing them away and they didn't like it. The more I acted out, the more they fought against me. In the end I just wanted to kill myself or something.

"By the time I had started high school, I'd calmed down again. I became the person I am today and found friends that I could trust. But…at the same time, I'll never let anyone get too close. I love them all. I love Kyouko. But I couldn't allow myself to care about someone as much as I had my mother. I keep them at a distance because I'm terrified of being hurt again, of turning back into that suicidal girl I used to be. It's hard enough losing a loved one, but to lose myself as well? I came so close to that before. I don't think I could survive it again."

"Is this why you won't tell anyone about us?" he asked softly. He tried to hide it, but the sadness in his voice was easy for her to perceive. "You don't want to become too close to me?"

She actually found the capacity to laugh at his worries - not in a hurtful way, but just because his words spoke volumes. He was so vulnerable and naïve when it came to his emotions. She loved his weaknesses--perhaps even more than she loved his strengths. "Sousuke, that already happened ages ago. For the longest time I tried to pretend that we weren't even friends. I couldn't keep that up for very long. But when you were called away from Tokyo, I realised I loved you. And now…" She drifted off for a moment before gazing into his eyes. "I care about you even more than I did my own mother."

Up until now her voice had maintained a greater strength than should have been possible. But that had begun to flee once more. Her voice quieted, and she felt the overwhelming need to cry settle over her once again. "That's why I couldn't tell anyone. The other barriers I'd tried to put up barely held up over those first few months we knew each other. Without realising it, I was terrified by that fact, so I built this wall between us. I'm not sure if I was hoping to destroy our relationship or just to slow things down… I still don't understand a lot of this stuff. I'm just…"

"You are frightened that perhaps I will leave you at some point," he continued for her, looking away.

His words brought it all back too her. She wiped the tears from her blood-shot eyes. "Mm-hmm. I know it sounds stupid, but I kind of feel that by dying my mum betrayed me. Maybe that's why I became so reckless, why I actually tried to start a fire at my old school—part of that whole 'whiny, disillusioned teenager' thing.

"…I don't want to be betrayed again. I know that you'd never do anything like that purposely, Sousuke, and that Mithril can't just pull you away from me now like they could have done in the past. But if something happened to you…I don't want to start thinking of you in that way. And I'm terrified of the fact I could start doing the same things I did back in junior high."

She took another break. These admissions were so emotionally draining. She'd barely had time to explain her feelings to herself, so driven to get to her love. If she just kept talking without somehow planning everything out, she'd be even more incoherent.

"What if we told everyone about us and then you went on a mission and something happened? No one would know the truth. I know it sounds so trivial, but what if they started to tease me about being dumped? I couldn't let ANYONE talk about you in that way, especially if you were..." She brushed away a stray tear. "I know that's the kind of thing that would start things off again. I'd argue back, I'd alienate them. In the end…all I can see is myself becoming that person again, and this time I know it wouldn't have a happy ending. I care about you so much that if you die…I die.

"I can't lose you, Sousuke. If I lose you…"

She pressed herself into him once more and resumed crying against his chest. He was still deathly silent, undoubtedly musing over his own thoughts. She'd placed a lot upon his already slumping shoulders. Like her, he just needed to think everything through. But regardless of all she'd said, he still had his arms around her.

She couldn't believe it; somehow, she felt comfortable despite an almost overwhelming sense of defencelessness. She just wanted to cry there with him, to let everything go. She felt so safe, like for the first time she could truly open up in front of someone and they wouldn't look down upon her for being weak. She didn't know why, but she actually felt… liberated.


	5. Chapter Five

* * *

**Chapter 5 **

* * *

She must have cried herself to sleep. Her skin still felt raw and puffy, her throat blocked, head tense. Her body had regained a little strength after what she guessed had been hours of slumber, but when she moved slightly, she could feel dizziness stir.

Her mind seemed a little less cluttered; thankfully, the feeling of vulnerability had faded, and her confidence had been able to reinstate itself back into its previously usurped throne. But there was still a deep thread of worry within her, once again building as her mind became more coherent. Sousuke had barely said a word, listening to her explanation with little response. She wasn't sure of the meaning of such an action. He was still such a mystery to her. Was it just that he needed time to think? Was he unsure of what to say? Or was he holding back, as he had nothing but bad news to give her?

She opened her eyes to find herself stretched out upon his bed. Her shoes, coat and pyjama shirt had all been discarded, just leaving her in her striped bottoms and a light top. His bedside lamp was on, casting shadows upon the walls. However, it wouldn't be needed for much longer; she was able to see the beginnings of the sun's ascent illuminating his living room through the open bedroom door. Despite the change in scenery, his arms still embraced her; the way his hand rested upon her upper arm so tenderly made her smile.

Glancing upwards, she found his brown eyes looking into her own. Regardless of everything, they held the same emotions they always did--she could tell, heart and soul, that he still loved her.

"Hey…" she said softly, a tinge of nervousness in her voice.

"Good morning," he whispered back.

"What time is it, Sousuke?" She rubbed her eyes before quickly attempting to stifle a yawn.

"Approximately six hundred hours. It will be daylight soon."

"Have you gotten any sleep yet?" She doubted he had, though he didn't even seem fatigued in the slightest. But then he'd probably missed much more sleep on numerous other occasions.

As expected, he shook his head. "I wanted to think over what you said before resting. I was worried about possibly losing my train of thought."

Kaname swallowed heavily. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear what he had to say. "And?"

His eyebrows dipped in confusion. "And what?"

She had to prevent herself from groaning. How could he not understand what she meant? "Can you forgive me?"

His face finally flashed with recognition. "There is nothing to forgive, Kaname. You did not realise the reason for your apprehensions. You could not have altered anything that happened." He drew a deep breath. "I am the one who should apologise. I carried out my actions as I wished to hurt you." His voice fell to a solemn whisper. "I should not have done that. I should have known that there was more than seemed apparent. I should have been patient and given you the time you asked of me." Sousuke took his eyes from her face, looking downwards. "I'm sorry for doubting the feelings you hold for me."

Damn noble fool. Why did he always have to be like this? "Sousuke, Sousuke," she sighed. Well, at least he didn't hold any animosity for her. The final dregs of trepidation left her body. "There is nothing YOU need to apologise for." She pointed a finger hard into his chest. "Hell, if I'd been in your shoes, I'd have done the exact same thing." Then she added with an embarrassed whisper, "Probably much worse."

Her tone softened once again. "Anyway, I shouldn't have skirted around the issue. I should have just come clean to you and explained how I was feeling rather than doing all this idiotic stuff. If I would've done that, maybe we could have worked together to figure out what was wrong. We wouldn't have this lost week in our relationship.

"But what's done is done." She drew a deep breath and continued in a more positive tone. "We just need to learn to be a little more honest with each other. When I do something that hurts you, you need to tell me about it. I know it's difficult for you, but you have to tell me how you feel about things."

"I know," he agreed, but she caught a glimpse of fear in his eyes. He was opening up, but it would still take him some time to grow comfortable with his feelings. For once, she didn't feel disenchanted by that fact.

"And if I'm having a difficulty with something, I need to be truthful with you, even if I can't understand how I feel myself. I need to not act so damned self-centred and close myself off when I feel weak. I really do love you, so at least when we're together, I should be able to let myself feel vulnerable," she admitted.

"Vulnerable?" He gulped. The way his lips briefly curved upwards…

"I didn't mean in that way, you dirty old man!" she laughed. She raised her hand upwards and placed it upon his cheek. He moved into the caress. "I think we need to forget about this whole guilt thing. We both made mistakes, but that's all in the past now."

"Yes. What course of action…" He stopped himself. He was getting better at controlling his outbursts of otaku-ism. "What does this mean for our relationship?" His eyes deviated from hers for a moment. She could tell he was still feeling troubled.

She had to answer him honestly. She couldn't lie to him anymore. "I don't know. Maybe now that I understand why I've been acting like this--I can deal with it in the way I should have four years ago. I think that after some time, I could get around it and tell everyone. I mean, I told Kyouko."

"You did?" He failed to maintain a slight look of pride from crossing his features.

"Yeah. It was hard at first and I still feel really anxious about it, but it's filtering in. I know it's only the first step, but if I can deal with her knowing, I know at some point I'll be comfortable with it being common knowledge. Hell, even if I'm never able to push myself over this hurdle, we'll still get around to telling everyone. I'd rather force myself to cope than keep it a secret and see you suffer. You're really anxious to tell everyone about us, right?"

"Yes. I don't really understand it myself. It's just… When those I serve with and our fellow students spoke of their own experiences with relationships, I was always baffled by their feelings and actions. It made me feel like an outsider; I could not relate to them or offer my own knowledge in return. My fellow soldiers on the da Danaan mocked me due to my lack of understanding. I know they did so in jest, however, it made me feel…inadequate.

"When we discovered our mutual feelings for one another, I felt that not only would I be able to experience such events for myself, but that it might aid with my assimilation into society. If we had a common experience to share, I believed that it could improve my friendships. When you did not allow me to do so…I began to resent you." There was a trace of worry in his eyes; he wasn't sure how she would take his last confession.

But her eyes were tender; there even seemed to be fresh tears lingering over the surface. "Oh, Sousuke; you should have told me! I couldn't understand why you wanted to tell everyone so badly. I mean, it doesn't really sound like you."

"I tried to tell you, but it always stuck. I thought that perhaps you would see it as being…idiotic."

"You're an idiot in many ways, Sousuke, but this isn't one of them. It's really sweet, in fact."

"Sweet?"

"Yeah. It shows how much you've matured. A year ago, would you have felt this way? Would you feel hurt because you weren't able to grow closer to others?"

He thought for a moment, looking almost as vulnerable as she'd ever seen him. "No."

She pulled herself a little closer towards him, shivering when she felt him embrace her in return. "Don't worry; you'll get that chance. I want the same things you do, Sousuke. I want us to be able to be open about how we feel, to stay together as long as we're able. To maybe someday show you…" She blushed slightly. "…what it's like to be a member of a family. But at the same time, I'd like to first see if I can get past this on my own. Could you give me just a little bit of time?"

"Of course, Kaname," he told her, a soft smile upon his lips. "As long as I know that at some point it will be rectified, I can wait." His grin fell slightly, and she could tell he was battling with something. But his eyes were focused upon hers with such intensity it made her quiver. "Seeing you in pain…hurts me more than anything else, so I would do anything to minimise the anguish you feel. I care…more about you than anything else. You're the only person I feel safe to confess my emotions too. You help me to understand so much that before was entirely alien. I…I…" He paused for a moment.

She felt a warmth spread throughout her body. His words weren't eloquent, but that didn't matter to her. The fact that he was trying to find the strength to speak them, that he was willing to show her the more sensitive side of himself, was enough for her.

He attempted to speak once more. "Kaname, I…I--"

Guessing the words he was attempting to say, but understanding that he was not yet ready to utter them, she placed two fingers upon his lips. "I know you do."

Unexpectedly, she felt him kiss her fingers before taking her wrist within his hand and removing the digits from his lips. "Kaname," he whispered, his voice a bit hoarse. He rolled them over from their sides until she lay upon her back, his body pushing down upon her. He kissed her deeply, sucking upon her bottom lip, then moved his caresses down across her chin and jaw bone before nipping at the soft flesh of her neck. "It's been hard not having you here," he confessed while continuing his journey down onto her shoulder. "Not being able to speak to you, or to…" She felt him gulp against her skin. "…to touch you. When I am away from you, I feel…unmotivated…lonely." He bit hard against her shoulder blade.

Kaname felt herself gasp. His words, his actions made her want to scream. "Damn hentai." He glanced up towards her; he had reddened, more than a bit shy due to his unusually desperate actions. She trailed her fingers over his reddened cheeks. "Believe me; that's not a bad thing. I've been feeling the same way." When he began his administrations once more, grasping the hem of her top before pulling it northward, she let out an uncharacteristic giggle. "Oh, Sousuke, I love it when you're like this. It's nice to see you lose control on occasion."

* * *

They stared at their homeroom door, both a little nervous as to what would follow.

It had been hard to keep their secret over the summer, spending so much time in the company of their friends. Kaname wished she could have let the cat out of the bag, but felt she just needed a short while longer before she would be comfortable broadcasting the truth. Today ­ the first day of their second semester - was the deadline she had set herself. She still felt anxious, but she'd made a promise both to Sousuke and herself. She was not about to break it.

She felt Sousuke's hand slip from hers. "Kaname, if you wish to hold off the announcement--"

She grabbed it once again, fiercely. "No. Today's the day. If we don't do it now, I don't think I'd have enough courage again this side of Christmas." She smiled up at him. "You've been patient enough. Now it's my turn to make a sacrifice."

It wouldn't be the first time they had made the announcement. Less than a week before, they had given the good news to their friends on the da Danaan. Each of them had the exact same sentiments--it was about bloody time. Even Tessa had taken the admission well, congratulating Kaname on being the victor in their duel. Needless to say, Kurtz had teased his team-mate endlessly, asking Kaname if his stamina on the battlefield was matched in the bedroom. Though blushing up a storm, Sousuke seemed to enjoy his friend's good-natured ribbing. Melissa, however, ever protective of Sousuke, hadn't. After such a serious concussion, Kaname wondered when the sniper would be fit for duty again.

Laughing inwardly, Kaname reached for the door handle. "Let's go."

* * *

They both looked down at the congregation of their friends. Apart from Kyouko, who wore an all-knowing grin, each of the group stared at the couple's enjoined hands.

"We're…ah, dating," Kaname admitted nervously.

"Oh, my God, Kaname. That's great!" Maya and Shiori shouted.

"Him?!" both Mizuki and Tsubaki demanded. Luckily for the karate expert, his girlfriend didn't notice the spark of jealousy in his features.

"Way to go, Sagara-kun!" Shinji cheered. "How long?"

"A few months," Sousuke answered.

"So, has the ice queen given it up yet?" Ono joked.

The soldier blushed. "Uh…um….eh…" And with that brief murmur, another secret had been unleashed.

Kaname brought her harisen down hard upon his head, almost causing him to bend double. Despite her actions, her anger didn't seem to have quelled in the slightest.

"Uh…please disregard that. It was an error on my part." He always knew how to make a situation worse. Sousuke took a quick scan of the area, calculating the distance between him and the door. "I just remembered that there is something I must attend to. Excuse me."

Before he was that far into the corridor, Kaname bellowed, "SOUSUKE! Get back here RIGHT now!" When she received no reply, she stormed after him, the desks shaking in her wake.

And as their friends watched in awe, the same adage passed through their minds.

_'The more things change, the more they stay the same.'_


End file.
